When I grow up, I’ll have it all together. I’ll wake up every day at five am and never hit the snooze button. I’ll exercise for 30 minutes then cook a healthy, nutritious breakfast. Every. Single. Day. When I grow up, I’ll always get to work early, and I will be a morning person. And I won’t even need coffee. Nope, the adult me only drinks water and tea.
When I grow up, I’ll be prepared for every meeting. I’m not kidding. I’ll have a full agenda planned two days in advance and know the status of every project at any given moment. When I grow up, I’ll be the perfect boss. I’ll lead my team with the optimal balance of empathy and stretch goals, and we’ll start our mornings with a team cheer. Because we’re pumped to be alive. I will be the best leader when I grow up.
For lunch, I’ll eat a salad I prepared the night before—the kind you layer in the mason jar like on Pinterest, because when I grow up, I’ll use a lot of mason jars. I’ll also be drinking my second full bottle of water by lunch. And it won’t be disposable bottled water. No, when I grow up, I will only drink water from reusable bottles. And I won’t even look down on you if you don’t. Because when I grow up, I’ll be both awesome and humble.
When I grow up, all of my work will be balanced, and I’ll never agree to do more than I am able. But I’ll also never turn away a project, because when I grow up, I’ll know how to do that. It’s magic, but I’ll figure it out when I’m an adult.
After work, I won’t go to happy hour with my co-workers more than once a week, and if I do go, I’ll only drink sparkling water and lime. Because when I grow up, I won’t drink bourbon. Instead, I’ll go home to my smart crockpot meal I prepped before work and cooked with my phone. Because that’s just the kind of grownup I am. Don’t worry, it’s gluten free. It might even be dairy free, but that’s pushing it. I’ll invite you over in the middle of the week to my clean apartment that’s never in disarray. That’s because as a grown up, I try to clean a little bit every day so my apartment is always clean.
When I grow up, I won’t binge watch shows ever. I’ll read a little bit every night and write a little bit, too. And I’ll never multitask. Everyone knows “multitask” is just another word for inefficiency, and the grown-up me is efficient af. And that’s another thing: The grownup me doesn’t ever use bad language. And she definitely doesn’t have blue hair. The grownup me knows what’s expected of her.
But most importantly, the grown-up me will for sure have a headboard on her bed. Because that’s a thing grownups do. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s how you know you’ve attained adulthood.